darkness falls, i'm letting go.

2002-08-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

oh wow.

i spent last night in the arms of my sweetie.

we first went to glendale old town kinda thingy and we just walked around and bert felt like an idiot cuse we were just walking around in circles. it was funny. he gets all uncomfortable so fast. and then i was like jumping up and down and like acting like me and he goes: you really like attention huh? and i'm like oh sorry. ahh this is hard to explain. he says he's all hyper and stuff around his friends cuse he gets bored of them really quickly and has to find ways to entertain himself, but when he's with me, he's all laid back and chill. and i'm the hyper one, but i'm not bored with him, that's just me. had to explain that to him. he like constantly asks where i wanna go and i'm like: why do you feel obligated to take me some where? and he's like cuse i don't want you to be bored. and i'm like when i'm bored, i'll tell you okay? i can just sit in your car with you and do nothing and not be bored. really? yes. okay, let's get out of here okay. then he was like: watch, you're gonna say: i'm bored soo many times and i'll be like really? and you'll smile at me and go nope. just kidding! and i'm like no!! haha and i ended up doing that. he knows me well.

i told him how i am always usually ditzy around guys and how i found it funny that i wasn't ditzy around him and he's like: no. sometimes you are. and i like freaked. i was like: OMG! I'M NEVER DITZY AROUND YOU!!!!! and he's like shhhhh. and i'm like omg. when have i been ditzy around you!?!? and he's like: iunno. you have like 20 different personalities but i still like you. stupid bert.

so we go to occidental college again, that's like our hang out spot, and we just sit in the car. we got our fun on, but no sex. =) so proud. iunno, it's weird. like i don't need feel obligated to sleep with him. after like an hour we realized that all the windows were all foggy so we lowered the windows and stuff. it was funny. he kept thinking that ppl were purposely driving in circles to see us, so we kinda gave them a show. =)

he lost his virginity when he was 18. so cute. i'm soo ahead of him. =) i make fun of him alot...i think i need to stop.

bert doesn't like fiona apple. =( he says she scares him.

he does this thing with my hair like he brushes it away from his face then he like kisses me softly. it's soo cute and sweet. he also touches my lips really softly too. he's beginning to not be so shy around me. he had his hand in his pocket cuse he was cold and i was like leaning on him with my arms linked with his and then somehow i let go and he was like: you make me feel so lonely when you let me go. and i'm like awwwww...OH! and when we were waiting for the elevator he like put his hands on my waist and he was like holding me in front of him and wow. did that feel special.

i don't like dress up at all when i see him, it's funny. iunno. i don't feel that i need to impress him or look pretty in front of him, but i still wear makeup in his presence, but not alot.

ahh..too much to write. i'll blog more about this later.

go to http://prettysmurf.diaryland.com/ cuse that's the place where i'll be blogger everyday. i'll only blog here IF the other site is down.

2002-08-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

A thousand girls could never reach you, how could i have been the one?

he called last night. i was like: oh, i'll call him after i brush my teeth, so i go brush my teeth and he calls during my teeth brushing. it was a nice suprise. iunno. different. talked for 2 1/2 hours, thank god. it's so funny cuse when we were on the car, we were talking about how we both weren't phone ppl. and how we still talked on the phone for so long. i guess i just like listening to his voice. STOP MAKING ME SOUND SO RETARDED. =) but that lady said you were! i know. i should've slapped her. ahhh! you can't hit girls!!! well, she wasn't a girl, she was a women. fine. you can't hit females. haha okay. =)

today is his last day of work.

i can't wait till school starts. i don't know why. i have:
1st period: 3D art
2nd period: lit comp I THINK
3rd period: AP chem
4th period: math analyis I THINK
5th period: world history
6th period: sport

i dont' know my teachers yet but i know that's my shedule.

i didn't accomplish my goal for my "looks" this summer. bummmer.

2002-08-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

I looked into his eyes and died. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. This was always meant to happen, We were always mean to be.

I am in heaven.

yesterday would probably be my happiest day so far for the summer. me and bert only hung out for like 2 hours but it was soo great. like i really can't explain. i know he's not shy, but he's soo shy and all nervous when he's with me. we went to oxydentille college (however you spell it) and we were pretending we were students there and just chillin. it was fun. it was like freshman orientation or some kind of freshman activity so there was alot of loud music and dancing and i was like, "LET'S GO DANCING!!!" and he did this thing with his lip that he always does and he's like no...and like shaking his head. so cute. so we kept walking and like having no clue where we were toing (well, he did) and like i turned to my right and there was this bug like next to me and i like freak and like practically jump on him and he's all laughing at me and calling me a girl. =) ahhhh. then he was like: let's go to the fountain, so we walk to the fountain and just sit there. and he's holding me and i'm just leaning against him and he's playing with my fat like all guys do with me and i'm complaining that he's playing with my fat and he goes: you sound CRAZZZZY. then we both laugh and smile. and we'll look at each other in the eyes and then we'll look at each other's lips and turn away. and we're just really sitting there, not saying anything, but it's so perfect, you know? and he's like holding my hand and just like ahhhhh. =) he's like freaking out about the time cuse i had to be home at an unreasonable hour but he was really cool about it. he was like, i just wanna see you. if it's for 5 minutes, it's okay. i just wanna see you.

he can be soo lively and outgoing on the phone but when he's with me...he's so nervous. it's so funny. we were hugging each other in front of his car cuse we had to get going, my arms around his neck and his hands on my waist (god it fit SOO perfectly) and i felt his heart beat and it was like sooo hard and fast like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. so i was like: why are you so nervous? and he's like: i'm not nervous. and i'm like: dude, your heart is like almost gonna jump outof your chest. it's beating soo hard. and he's like cuse...well...cuse...and i'm like yeah. sure. and we just smiled.

on the car ride home i was playing with his hair cuse it's soo soft and he's like: i feel so funny.., and i was like why? and he's like: i don't know.

ahhhhh!!!!! okay. i'm gonna stop writing all this crap about my life. maybe later.

we're taking things soo slow. i love it.

2002-08-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

trying to pass the time and not think about bert...

How big of a slut are you?

OH BABY!!! I AM NOT A SLUT.

"you sound CRAZY!"

2002-08-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

Just when i thought i had died, you come and bring me back to life.

*sigh* what is going on...me and bert had ANOTHER long long conversation. 5 hours. wtf. the way he says my name..i melt. he's so cute. ahhh...i really can't explain in words how i feel and the chemistry me and him have. i just don't want to make the same mistakes. it's funny. i know i won this game and i know that i've got him now...yet i still like him. this reminds me of the whole alex and me situation...but it's different cuse bert is older and has more scars and i was first physically attracted to alex, but with bert...he grows on you. i was telling him that i've learned soo much from all my past relationships so hopefully the relationships that i'll be in from now on, will be better cuse i won't make the same mistakes and i was like: what have you learned from your past relationships. and he's like nothing. and i'm like you've never been hurt? and he's like: I ALWAYS get hurt...but iunno. i haven't learned anything. weird. i'm sure he has, he just doesn't know it. we talk for so long that when i see him again, i won't be able to

i'm always soo hyper when i first talk to him and i'm like jumping off the walls but then like it gets later and later and i iunno...start to open up so much and i'm like: look, i'm all mellowed out now...and he's like yeah, that always happens. and i'm like oh. omg! hahahha okay. i was like: why did you approach me in the first place and he's like cuse you kept staring at me. AHHH!! I WAS NOT!!! stupid bert. hahaha. maybe a little...but it wasn't anything major. he was the only one in the weight room and i would just look around. ahh iunno. my face got all red and shit it was funny.

there are sometimes when bert reminds me of alex...like they kinda sound the same when they say: don't tell me that.

"stephanie...stephanie..i'm sorry...i just don't remember things...stephanie...please..."
god i melt.

"stephanie..."
"yes?"
"i really want to see you..."
"why?"
"i don't know...will you call me tomrrow?"
"do you want me to?"
"..yeah...i do."

ahhhhhh.

"when i'm on the real world, i'll call you up and see if you wanna visit incase my roommate is HOT. then i'll invite you and you can be introduced to her.""no..you would be jealous.""hahahah yeah i would.""i wouldn't go visit you to meet that chick, i would want to see you like i want to see you now."

see!! benji is geting fat. =( not liking the running mascara thing either. i took this pic from charlotte's page. she likes the running mascara though. Joel looks ugly in this pic. but joel is hot here:

Joel looking like benji
he looks like benji this is pic. =)

Joel pouting.
Julia, you should like this pic. =)

2002-08-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

You try my shoes on for a change, they look so good but fit so strange.

WHAT IS MY MOTHER'S PROBLEM!? i went shopping by myself today and got this american eagle shirt and she flipped. she says it's cheap and ppl will laugh behind my back. i don't understand. IT'S JUST A SHIRT. i spent over 130 today. =( that's 13 hours of work!!! money goes away wayy to fast. i didn't even get that much stuff either. oh well.

Which Good Charlotte guy are you?

i don' think i'm a benji. i think i'm a joel. well, maybe i'm a benji and need a joel.

I am sweet, like Sugar.

I am all sweetness and light; fluffy bunnies and dancing fairies; happiness and joy. Too much of me will make you sick. What Flavour Are You?

these are fun.

"drawing board" -mest. =)

good charlotte has changed. more popppy. GREEEEEAT. *sarcasm*

why is benji all fat now?? =(

2002-08-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

"iunno...saying i love you is such a like major deal to me..you know? i mean i say it to all my friends but if i'm going out with someone, i can't even say i like you."
"yeah, i know it's a big deal to you"
"how do you know"
"cuse you always bring up relationships when i talk to you."
"oh, sorry."
"don't be. it's not your fault."
"well, then why don't you bring up something to talk about?"
"cuse i don't know what to talk about...i like listening to your voice, so i just let you bring stuff up."
"think of a topic sweetie."
"i think i'm a bad kisser."
"that's gonna go back to relationships!!"
"you know i've never said i love you to someone before?"
"really??"
"yeah. i just feel that i don't know what it means and that i've actually never loved someone and it's really pointless in saying that if i don't really know, you know?"
"yeah."

2002-08-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

The pain I had inside was just for me. The day I tried to live, I could not breathe.

i would like to thank trevor for ruining my dream that someday hayden would fall in love with me.

Everday, i fall deeper and deeper into him. And I know in the end, i'm gonna get hurt. it's this gut feeling i have. ahhh. I really don't understand what's going on. I was on the phone with bert for 5 hours...5 hours!!!!! that's like fucking helllla long. you guys might be thinking, "what the hell can you talk about for like 5 hours?!?" and I honestly don't know. we talk about everything...i feel sooooo fucking comfortable when i talk to him...and most we just talk about relationships. It's mostly me talking and him listening but he says he likes listening to my voice and he doesn't really know what to say cuse he gets nervous. i think it's lies but what do I know. me and him are soo fucking similar except I kinda think I'm more mature than him. He doesn't get mad at me but disappointed when I tell him sometimes I'll just have sex with guys I really don't care about but it kinda just happens. and he goes: you should only have sex with someone you care about..i mean, you're giving a piece of yourself to him and letting him be inside of you. if there's no care or whatever...it's really pointless. BUT THEN later on, he goes: steph, i really need to impress this girl i'm seeing thurs. and i'm like why do you feel like you need to impress her. and he's like well, i wanna sleep with her. I was like: omg. i just lost total respect for you. like he tells me one thing and totally turns around and does like exactly what i do. practice what you preach. cliche i know. he hates that.

I don't think I've ever met a guy with this many scars. He's so scared that i'm gonna leave bc he says everyone else in his life has left, so he doesn't attach himself to others. I tell him i'm attaching myself to him, but it's not like I can help it..but i know that he's gonna hurt me. and he's like no, i won't. UMM..YES HE WILL. i know exactly how the story is gonna play out. I'm gonna fall so deep into him, and comeon, he's in college. he has his college girls. he's not gonna waste his time on me, and he'll slowly drift away. and it's gonna hurt. and i brought that up to him, and he's all like: no no no, i won't do that. fucking bullshit. He keeps talking about november. he'll be like: Well, if we're still talking in november, blah blah blah. He puts this wall around him so he won't get hurt, but when i do that, he gets mad. he starts saying how will ppl ever truly get to know me and care about me, if i have this wall. well, sweetie, you're the same way. he says he's trying to change that with me..and iunno. right now it's just lines.

He says he can't be himself around me in person and that confuses him.

He says he doesn't try to like girls first...and let the girls come to him. that really bothers me. it's funny cuse i'll say something like: that bothers me that blah blah blah. and he'll try not to do it anymore. that's like wow. but then i do the same thing to him.

It's kinda funny cuse it really hurts when he talks about other girls with me and how he slept with them and everything. I told him that time period where i got mad at him and stuff and he was like why. and i was like well, you asked me why i was working out so hard and i told you cuse i was gonna see this guy on friday and i wanted to look good. and you like kinda stopped talking to me after. and i was kinda confused about that. and he's like, well, i don't like hearing about how you're making yourself pretty for some other guy. and i'm like why don't you like hearing that. and he's like i don't know. he knows.

It's so hard to explain this thing with me and bert in words.

He really respects me and i really like that. Like if i'm hestitant about something he'll immediately be like: you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. i understand. iunno, i never had that before.

he thinks i'm pretty. =) although he constantly calls me ugly. =) he says he bothers him when i don't believe him when he says i'm pretty...but iunno. i just don't. it makes me happy and all, but i just don't believe him. and he goes: well, i think you're pretty and sometimes i just wanna kiss you. *smile* lines.

he asks if we were making out that if it would mean anything to me. and i was like well..if i knew it was bc you wanted me to help you kiss better, i wouldn't have feelings. i would be like a machine and his voice kinda softened and was like...what if i just kissed you out of the blue? would you feel something? and i'm like I really don't know right now. of course i know, but he's kinda just using me now, so i don't want to feel something cuse it's just gonna hurt so much in the end.

we also talked about us two having sex and like i told him i couldn't have sex with him cuse i actually care about him and he would just brush it off afterwards and act like it was nothing and that would hurt alot. and i was like: wouldn't you just brush it off? and he's like yeah, cuse you gave it up so easy. so we came to an establishment that we won't be sleeping together.

he's so weird. he wants to hang out just us so he can get to know me better. i don't understand. barr says he'll make his "move" before november and once he does, it'll be completely over between us two and we're just better off friends cuse we're so similar. barr also says i'm more mature than him. i don't understand that either, cuse he has more years than i do. oh!! and then i start talking to him about like how if i was hurt he would never know cuse i just don't show it, and if i say something i sometimes don't really mean it like when i said i lost respect for him. i did mean it, kinda, but it didn't REALLLLY bother me. he's a guy. what can I expect? and somehow it got on the topic to like me calling him at a party. if i really needed to talk to him and i found out he was at a party...i would brush it off like it was nothing. and he said: stephanie, when you call me and i'm at a party...i really want to talk to you but then you just leave. well, duh bert. so stupid sometimes. but that was sweet of him.

his hugs are soo comforting. last night, he was like: stephanie (he never calls me steph, i don't understand that either. and the way he says my name. wow) you need to come over and just sleep with me. and i'm like huh? and he's like i just want you here right now with me talking. we won't be having sex, making out...but you'll just be talking and we'll fall asleep together. i want that. and i'm like oh. i mean, what am i supposed to say to that?

it was sooo cute. we were talking and in the middle of me talking he goes: i really like your laugh. =)
i have a gay laugh, but he likes it.

I don't think he knows i like him. how can he not know? and i don't know if he likes me cuse he's talking about all the girls he wants to sleep with. eh, just bothers me.

After we talked last night...it was kinda hard falling asleep. like i'm feeling how i felt when me and alex broke up...i don't know why. but i'm also happy. like i can't stop smiling right now. so weird.

"You saw the beauty in everything
Everything and me" Michelle Branch.

this is too confusing. i will blog more about it later after i do more thinking.

2002-08-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Everytime my tongue is in your mouth, it rips a hole in my heart.

charlotte woke up chanting that. isn't that odd. iunno, i found that qoute quite interesting so i decided to use it.

i've been having such ODD dreams lately. i don't really understand what's been going on. and usually all these dreams have to do with guys that i kinda wanna hook up with. there was sonny, stevie, and bert. but i don't know if i wanna hook up with bert...i really value the thing we have. it's not really a "thing" i guess..too hard to explain. so this was my dream. if you'd like to analyze it and then tell me your analysis, please do.

Bert wants to take me to this party reallly far away and i tell him i don't have a ride. He says it's okay and he'll get a ride for me. so like alll his friends end up at my house and he tells me i'll be going in the blue cadillac (however you spell it) and he'll be driving. i tell my mom i'm going to this party and i tell her it's at LC. she lets me go and asks what time i'm gonna be back and i'm like oh, around 12, knowing inside that i won't be home for the night cuse i'll be spending it at bert's. so i get into the car with his friends. (i forgot their names but the guy sitting next to me was soo hot) we kinda wait for bert but he never comes back to the car, so we drive off. we're on the freeway and everything is going smoothly until all of a sudden, we start driving on big ass rocks and it seems like we're gonna fall off the cliff. the beach is right next to us and i can hear the waves crashing against some rocks. i get really scared and scoot near the really hot guy. the girl driving goes: i'm so glad that i'm not driving stick right now. The guy sitting next to me puts his arm around me and i just feel sooo safe. and i just wanna be in his arms forever. like his body is soo perfect and he smelled so good and i just wanted to be in his arms. we talk (i don't remember about what) but it's comforting and i decide to let go of him and see if i can handle the ride by myself. i can for a little while but the car seems to go upside down and i'm grabbing onto the seat in front of me but i can feel myself falling. When i'm almost about to fall i take a look around me and there's no one around. there's still other cars driving past us, and we're still all upside down. i let go, and wake up.

i wonder what's going on in my head.

listen to norah jones. she's like a more poppy fiona apple. i think i'm gonna have a fiona apple layout soon.

cutest pickup line someone's ever used on me: (it's not really a pick up line) stephanie...i think i'm a bad kisser...you have to help me.
AWWWW.

I've realized that i go to the gym now looking forward to see bert everyday. like i do my thang and just keep watching the doorway to see if he's gonna walk in. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT? and after i talk to him...i can't stop smiling from ear to ear. and i get all giddy and wow. he's so cute. today he was like: you didn't call me on your birthday! and i'm like i'm sorry but i knew you were with your friends and i didn't wanna like interrupt and he's like: i waited for your call. and i'm like watever. what did you do. and he goes: smoke ALOT of marijuana and got realllllly drunk. that's nice bert. and then he's like then why didn't you call me this weekend? and i'm like i thought about calling you last night but it was too late. and he's like what time was it. and i was like 12 and he's like i sleep at 3 everyday! WHAT A LITTLE LIAR!! i called him once at 10:30 and he was already sleeping. it was sooo cute. if a guy woke me up, just to talk, while i was sleeping, i'd hang up. i mean, dude, i'm sleeping. but bert didn't. and i felt all bad so i was like dude, i'll let you go back to bed, and he's like no no, i like talking to you. awwwwww. anywhoo, he goes: so are you gonna call me today? and i'm like eh, i don't know. if i have time and if i remember, and he's like no. i predict that you'll call me at 10:30 tonight after work. and i'm like, do you want me to call you at 10:30 and he's like no. i predict it. so stupid bert.

#1 thing i'm pissed about right now. JESSIE AND HIS UGLY E-GIRLFRIEND.
jealous, you say? well, you'd be too if you saw him and then her. she's so ugly.
jessie, you know i love you and you know that i want you to be happy and shit, but glenda?! YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET HER! i know you can do better.

i was cleaning out my room since we're re-modeling it, and i stumbled upon the washington DC pic with me and ryan. *sigh* ryan. JULIA REMEMBER?!?! for all of you who don't know who ryan was...oh shit. he was sooo hot. he was in 8th grade and i was in 7th. ahhhh. he went to mill valley. he has a twin brother named kashe. omg. after all these years, i still remember him and iunno. i wish i got his number and shit. julia, i miss him. he was soo hot and nice.

2002-08-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I wanna wake up where you are and i won't say anything at all.

i am in love.

yes yes. you've heard it many many times. but honestly i am. with good charlotte. *sigh* benji and joel are dsfljksafasdhfljakwben. Although i don't like benji's new look. it's too hardcore for me. he got fat too. =( but it's okay. iunno...benji isn't really my "type" Joel is. too many girls like benji too. but then everyone also likes joel. ahhh i hate this. leave them alone! they are mine! muahahha.

anywhoo, sorry i haven't posted in a while, i've been trying to work on my other site but it's still not working the way i would like it to. I don't know what's going on inside my head. I'm in such a confused state. I like a new guy everyday but then it kinda goes away, but for that one day, i'll be on a high and shit. Yet, i still like bert sooo much, of course i love brayden. (bad grammar, i know.) I've again, want to be alone and just think. but the more i think, the more i get pissed off and hate life. julia says i'm 6 months behind her in this state which means in about 6 months i'll think about shit and not get pissed. Sometimes i don't even know exactly what i'm thinking about but i'll just get pissed and tears will start coming down. is that normal?

practice what you preach.

oh yeah, you know how i was like: oh, i'm not gonna get a tattoo until i'm 18 so i know if i really want it. haha, i changed my mind. i think i'm gonna get one next summer cuse this year, i kinda went overboard with the piercings. not overboard, but you know what i mean. i'm gonna get a black star on my left hip. and some sayin on the bottom of my arm, you know the part that touches the table when you write.

I think i overanalyze wayy to much about boys. like...i was at the gym and i was lying on the mat with this *george and his arm was touching mine and it was like an electrical current running through my body and we were just talking and smiling and laughing. and it was just so perfect. so after, i'm like thinking i like him...but julia says i don't. i'm just overanalyzing it and i really don't like anyone now.

people confuse me.

i really really reallly reallly really really reallly really really reallly really really really wanna go see good charlotte in concert and go backstage. like i'm literally willing to do ANYTHING to just touch joel, benji, and billy. sorry paul..not really into you.

major flaw in me: sometimes when ppl are trying to talk to me about something important to them to me and i don't know what to say..i kinda brush it off and start talking about shit that's happening to me. i'm sorrry if i do that to you...i really need to change that. but then bert would be like: why you changing. it's part of you. blah blah blah. but iunno. i feel bad. i do care about you guys and i do care that you guys are coming to me and if i brush it off...i really don't mean to. it's just sometimes i don't know how to react to it.

talking to bert has really kinda opened my naive little world. i really like him.
what is going on with me?!

*names have been changed.

2002-08-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have that dream, where you're walking naked down that street...

Ahhh. piss me off. I'm trying to work on my new website: http://prettysmurf.diaryland.com/ and it's like not working! i can't seem to make it into a blog form. They only show one post per page and i can't seem to get my archive to work. what is going on!? ugh. just needed to vent for a little bit. =)

i can't stop thinking about bert. what is going on? he gives me butterflies.

2002-08-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

But your taste still lingers on my lips like I just placed them upon yours. and I starve for you.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY BERT!!!!!
i hope you get everything you wished for.

can we talk about how much i am in love with with brad renfro??? did that even make any sense? god. he is my god. i need to have a brad renfro movie marathon. i just realized he looks like stevie...kinda. oh so hot. maybe that's why i'm soo attracted to stevie. god, i want to have brad's babies.

october 1st, 2002. 45 more days. GC's second album comes out. =D *sigh* benji and joel.

god, i need to go shopping.

2002-08-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

The storm is back tonight so how could I awake without you here. Your pictures on the wall, you haven't called, but I'll wait for you

I've been listening to alot of Finch recently. DL "the new kid" and "ender" by finch. it kinda de-stresses me. dunno why. i'm really into girly punk i guess. *sigh* Yellowcard is having a concert this sunday and i'm not going. very sad. CHAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE SO FAR AWAY!! we could go to all these concerts. but noooo. you live there. poopoo.

VIRGINIA, we are soooo gonna go to some concerts together. i love you sweeetie!

well, bert and i talked on the phone last night for like 5 hours. god, that's a longass time..but it's not like everyday so i guess it's fine. we talked about soo much things. god i like him sooo much. he said he liked my body. =) and i know he means it cuse he never says sweet stuff to me. it's more like: you're so ugly. i don't know how i'm not blind yet. stupid bert. =D ahhhh i'm like soo high now. see, i'm the one chasing now. and it kinda seems like i got him..but then he plays his STUPID game and i'm all lost and gotta start chasing him all over again. i need that. i won't get bored as fast.

i talk about all these other guys when i talk to bert. WHY WHY WHY!! i didn't even notice until he was like, "uhh..why are you always talking about other guys and your ex's..." and i'm like, "omg. i'm soo sorry." cuse i really don't mean to. then i was like, "does it bother you..?" and he's like, "yeah...kinda." AWWW....

i also say sorry alot when we're talking.

"dude"
"what"
"iunno."
"god you're soooo gay!!!"
~pause/silent~
"dude"
"i'm gonna go what? and you're gonna go, iunno."
"uh...yeah. and you're gonna go you're soo gay!"
"HEY! shutup."
*SMILE*

"why are you talking to me!?!? i'm just blahbering about all the things you could care less about...and yet you're still here talking to me...why?"
"i like talking to you..."
"but i'm just blahbering about my life. you don't even know me."
"i wanna get to know you...why are you telling me all these things then?!"
"iunno...i feel comfortable around you. safe."

*silence*

"dude."
"STOP WITH THE DUDES!"

2002-08-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

All these games you play, they're messin with my head. I don't know why I stay, I should leave instead.

BERT IS A FATTTY!

okay. i like bert again. ahhhh. I think it's cuse he doesn't sweet talk me at all. we joke around 24.7 and call each other fat and ugly. well, he calls me ugly and i call him fat. *sigh* okay, he's not hot AT ALL. but he has something about him that i really like. he has charisma. his smile is like iunno. addictive. makes you wanna smile too. ahh. make up your mind steph. maybe i'll play the games he's playing...i've been a lil too serious lately. time to have fun. but i don't get his game...where are the rules?

"sappy, pathetic little me, that was the girl i used to be."
old no doubt is good stufffff.

2002-08-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Went to sleep but sleep's just a dream that slips from my hands.

concerts i realllly reallly wanna go to.
if you wanna come with, either im me or email me.

9.8.02 Sunday, SUGARCULT (god i love them) @ San Diego Street Scene
9.29.02, Sunday, phantom planet @ Mayan Theatre
10.3.02, Thursday, something corporate with finch!!!!! @ Hollywood Palladium

*sigh* i wanna see dashboard. i missed them at the weezer concert.

2002-08-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

When it all comes down, I don't wanna come back from this cloud.

I am falling in love...with dashboard. I've been listening to him non-stop for the past...iunno. 3 months? him and "konstantine." and i've been thinking a lot. *gasp* me, thinking. I think i'm gonna buy all his CD's and listen to him non-stop. in the car, in my room, when i'm on the comp, etc. Am i kinda obsessed? scary. Anywho, a lot of things have been going on that's making me think about life. and the more i think about life, the more pissed off i get about life. everyone in this world is soo fucking selfish (including me) we act like it's totally fine to hurt someone as long as we're fine. yeah, a part of us is hurting too, but iunno. stupid.

One thing that kinda pisses me off, person A breaks up with person B when person A knows for certain that he/she has a person C. why doesn't person A just break up with person B when he/she isn't into the relationship anymore?? Why does person A feel like he/she needs a security. am i making any sense at all?? cuse it seems like i'm not. julia, you understand. gosh, ppl are soo fucking stupid sometimes. i'mma blog about this later cuse i'm pissed and i can't really think straight.

AHHH. i wanna go see phantom planet on the 29th of sept. ANYONE WANNA COME WITH ME?? i don't wanna go all alone. =(

i need to mello out. so i'm gonna listen to more dashboard. or maybe phantom.

sex. i think i need it. but then again, i don't.
i think i use sex as my security. it's what i use to make me feel secure and safe. but i really makes me feel worse in the end cuse it's not like the guy cares anyways. and i just feel so stupid in the end for making such poor choices. iunno. i really don't know what i want right now and that really bothers me. i don't understand why i feel so alone now. i'm not alone, well, duh. i have like 3 guys now and yet i don't feel happy. well, a part of me does but then the other part is like, they just wanna have sex with me. and i kinda wanna have sex with me. god, i'm a slut. *sarcasm*

the boy i want does not exist. i need a boy with scars to match mine. no fucking pussy emo guy like dashboard (don't get me wrong, i love him, but he's just too pussy for me.) i just want a guy i can feel comfortable with and not be fake and ditzy. bert is like the perfect guy, when we're on the phone. but in person, iunno. he can't be himself around me. he's always staring at this feet, shuffling his feet, and mumbling. i really don't have the patience and energy to analyze it. then there's sunny. he's such a sweet talker, and we all know how much i hate those. he says he's not sweet talking, just telling the truth..but iunno.

i think i'm just gonna go listen to some fiona apple now.

2002-08-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Whoa, what were the words that you said to me that made me feel so special.

I had the weirdest dream. Me and Stevie were having so much sex. Then his friends came and he suddenly wasn't in the mood, but I still reallly wanted to have more sex, so I kept trying to get him into the mood but he just kept staring at his comp while his friends just stood around. isn't that weird? why am i having these types of dreams?! This isn't even the first time i had a dream about stevie. maybe I want him subconsciously. hahaha.

my song: "saying goodbye" - by sugarcult.
"The drama queen at 17 (16 for me) and sleeping with the boys for free.
She got a reputation for being easy.
Everytime they put her down, she makes a fist and tears roll down
She packs her bag and plans to run away.
She thinks about herself and cares about nobody else
because the only friends she has all put her down.
They hate her when she's beautiful
and even more when she's a fool
She talks behind her back when it's her birthday."

last night in someone's pf it said something like, "how can love is disappear."
and that made me kinda sad...and think alot. i don't understand why high school kids put so much heart and soul into someone knowing in the begginning that it probably won't work out. It's high school. just experiment and have fun.

2002-08-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

Communication is a lot like the wind when I speak, it's like no one understands.

Major Pet Peeve at this moment. When people rant about how they hate when others drink and smoke and yet they turn around and do all that shit. fucking hypocrites. i mean i really don't care if you do all that shit but when you say how much you hate it and blah blah blah and then turn around and do it, that's just plain stupid. Then they go and brag about how drunk and high they were and bragging how they can't really remember shit just to feel more accepted and shit. yeah, like we're actually gonna respect you more. uh..no.

another pet peeve: when bob* lies. wtf. why do you feel you have to lie? if we don't accept you for who you really are, fucking screw us then. and if you're gonna lie, at least make them believeable. cuse right now we're all not buying shit from you and all laughing behind your back.

you say you hate it when ppl say shit behind's others back. why do you say that? is it because deep inside you know we say shit about you too? it's not like you're the perfect angel. i know for a fact you say so much shit behind other ppl's back. stop being a fucking hypocrite. would you rather have us say shit to your face and make you hurt and "depressed" and start saying how much you hate your life and how much you wanna kill yourself? we really don't have much sympathy for you. we actually feel sorry that you have to do that to get our attention. it's bad attention too. cuse again, we're just laughing inside. or would you want us to pretend that everyone is perfect and fine like what we do now.

*names have been changed.

ev, you know who i'm talking about.

ev's happy. =D and since i live off of other's emotions cuse i'm too weak and really don't know how to live off mine, i'm happy.

2002-08-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

Throughout all of this confusion, I hope i somehow get to you.

Something Corporate and Dashboard. such beauties. I'm also re-loving Good Charlotte. DL "Kostantine" by something corporate. such a beautiful song. Much thanks to charlotte for making me dl that song.
"This is because I can spell konfusion with a K/and i like it/it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it/it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car/when the first star you see may not be a star/I'm not your star/isn't that what you said/what you thought this song meant. god, so damn good. DL IT!

"This is to the girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
This is to the girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
You could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and I said
Did you know I missed you
oh god i miss you...

i love you bray.

2002-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Spinning around I got this funny feeling, turning my world upside down. I'll keep my eyes and heart on you...

phone with brayden. *smile* i love him, "younknowwhati'msayin" *kenntucky accent* *sigh*

Why is it that all the boys come falling all at the same time? it creates so much chaos. do they not see? So, i met someone new today. well, i really wouldn't consider him new because i swam with him back in the day, although he doesn't remember me, but then again, i don't remember him. I just thought he looked familiar. OH, and he's asian. *gasp* AND he's actually pretty good looking. *another gasp* He's the Monterey Park coach. Anywhoo, we've been talking online and he asked me if i had a bf. Of course i told him no and he asked why. That really got be thinking. Why don't I have a bf?? I used to have bfs after bfs after bfs. but now...i'm not even sure I want one. I asked ev why i don't have a bf and she said because i was picky. i don't think i'm THAT picky. it's just i need to chase the guys...i mean, right now they're all chasing me. how boring is that. Right now...there seems to be no guys to chase. well, there's shermont...but he's leaving soon and i'm not gonna be ready to watch him leave. *sigh* so goregous. eh, i'm too lazy to analyze all this crazy boy shit.